A while back, I had a reputation of not amwering phone calls. As a matter of fact, I was bad at returning calls, texts, voicemails, the whole bit (as Mr. Cambisios would say) and my friends berated me for it. Why was I so hard to get into contact with? Because one out of every three people I would talk to pissed me off in some way. Communicating with people became my number one source of anger, and I'm not even an angry guy. Now, my phone is only semi-operable, and I hope to be getting a new phone in the next couple of weeks. When I purchase this phone, I want to be able to gain my communication credibility back by answering your calls and texts. But in order for me to do this, all of you must understand 10 simple rules of how not to piss me off, which I have entitled, THE ART OF COMMUNICATION. Enjoy.
Texting
1) Don't text me just saying "hey," "hi," or any variation of this. Not even "hola." I swear to the heavens I will kill you. If you have something to say, say the shit, and let's get on with the convo. If you're flirting with me or something, I'm worth at least a "what's up." If you just wanna talk, the same applies. If you have something to tell me, say, "I have something to tell you." But if you text me "hey," unless you're an extremely attractive girl or one of my best friends, you will get ignored, and possibly lose some respect points in my book.
2) If I say "what's up?" and you hit me with a "nm u," the next time I see you, I'm Kimbo Slice-ing you in the chest. "NM u?" For real? WTF is that? I'm not worth words? I get hit with letters? If I'm taking the time to text you and ask what's up, I probably actually want to know what is going on in your life, and I'm probably not just being superficial. Get your shit together.
3) This is for girls. If you set me up with a "That's what she said" via text message, and expect me not to call you on it, you're dumb. As a matter of fact, if you say anything that could even be misconstrued as sexual, and you expect me not to point it out, you are foolish. I'm a guy; I think about sex every 7 seconds (on average). So if you don't want that to seep into the conversation, end the conversation. I don't need you that badly. I know of plenty of attractive young ladies that are willing to fulfill this certain need. Yes, they are all on the internet, and yes, they're all hotter than you.
4) Guys. Don't hit me with a smiley face. Ever. If you're not gay and flirting with me, or being extremely sarcastic, it has no place in our conversation.
5) Girls. If you hit me with a smiley face, I'm going to assume you want my penis. It's that simple. Ask any guy. You hit us with a smiley, and we get mad hype. Learn this. Understand this.
Calling
1) If you call me, have a subject of conversation. If I wanted to talk to you aimlessly without end, I would text you. Unless you know without a doubt that we are good friends who can just "talk" on the phone for hours, you'd better have some shit to talk about.
2) Girls. If you call me to talk about another guy, I will hang up on you. That type of stuff can either be texted, instant messaged, or dealt with by yourself. When you call me, I am taking time out of my day to put down the controller or the keyboard and only TALK TO YOU. If your response to this is telling me about some other dude you want, get that outta here. (Again, this depends on the friendship factor.)
3) When I don't answer my phone, I either am busy, or don't wanna talk to you. You calling me 80 freaking times in a row won't change either of those facts. Leave a voicemail; that's what they're there for.
4) Texting while you talk on the phone is one of the most obnoxious things possible. I can hear you beating the crap outta the keyboard. It's annoying. If you need to text that badly, say "hang on," or call me back or something. But when I'm in mid-sentence and hear that, I get pissed.
5) When I say "I gotta go," I GOTTA GO. Don't say "One more thing," and then come at me with 80 different things. That's just setting yourself up to get hung up on. I will call you back. I promise. Right now. You have my word. You can quote me.
1) Don't text me just saying "hey," "hi," or any variation of this. Not even "hola." I swear to the heavens I will kill you. If you have something to say, say the shit, and let's get on with the convo. If you're flirting with me or something, I'm worth at least a "what's up." If you just wanna talk, the same applies. If you have something to tell me, say, "I have something to tell you." But if you text me "hey," unless you're an extremely attractive girl or one of my best friends, you will get ignored, and possibly lose some respect points in my book.
2) If I say "what's up?" and you hit me with a "nm u," the next time I see you, I'm Kimbo Slice-ing you in the chest. "NM u?" For real? WTF is that? I'm not worth words? I get hit with letters? If I'm taking the time to text you and ask what's up, I probably actually want to know what is going on in your life, and I'm probably not just being superficial. Get your shit together.
3) This is for girls. If you set me up with a "That's what she said" via text message, and expect me not to call you on it, you're dumb. As a matter of fact, if you say anything that could even be misconstrued as sexual, and you expect me not to point it out, you are foolish. I'm a guy; I think about sex every 7 seconds (on average). So if you don't want that to seep into the conversation, end the conversation. I don't need you that badly. I know of plenty of attractive young ladies that are willing to fulfill this certain need. Yes, they are all on the internet, and yes, they're all hotter than you.
4) Guys. Don't hit me with a smiley face. Ever. If you're not gay and flirting with me, or being extremely sarcastic, it has no place in our conversation.
5) Girls. If you hit me with a smiley face, I'm going to assume you want my penis. It's that simple. Ask any guy. You hit us with a smiley, and we get mad hype. Learn this. Understand this.
Calling
1) If you call me, have a subject of conversation. If I wanted to talk to you aimlessly without end, I would text you. Unless you know without a doubt that we are good friends who can just "talk" on the phone for hours, you'd better have some shit to talk about.
2) Girls. If you call me to talk about another guy, I will hang up on you. That type of stuff can either be texted, instant messaged, or dealt with by yourself. When you call me, I am taking time out of my day to put down the controller or the keyboard and only TALK TO YOU. If your response to this is telling me about some other dude you want, get that outta here. (Again, this depends on the friendship factor.)
3) When I don't answer my phone, I either am busy, or don't wanna talk to you. You calling me 80 freaking times in a row won't change either of those facts. Leave a voicemail; that's what they're there for.
4) Texting while you talk on the phone is one of the most obnoxious things possible. I can hear you beating the crap outta the keyboard. It's annoying. If you need to text that badly, say "hang on," or call me back or something. But when I'm in mid-sentence and hear that, I get pissed.
5) When I say "I gotta go," I GOTTA GO. Don't say "One more thing," and then come at me with 80 different things. That's just setting yourself up to get hung up on. I will call you back. I promise. Right now. You have my word. You can quote me.
Posts
It truly amazes me how you can write such introspective and interesting pieces...and then you say something like this.
ReplyDeleteHah, this is all hilarious considering i am guilty of some of this.
ReplyDeleteThe NM u part is pretty much a real problem.
If the conversation is a)Hey b)Hey What up A) nm u? . i usually want to stop texting, they should atleast have the deceny to make up something interesting or use some fucking vocabulary to spice it up a bit. A majority of the time people are too bored to think of something to talk about themselves so they want you to entertain them.
Misinterpreted smiley faces have lead to more awkward moments then the office and napoleon dynamite combined
Number 5 on texting is hilarious because its so true..
ReplyDeletecool
ReplyDelete? hahah ok some of this is true, but when i call u , i dont have a subject to tal about and we always end up talking for hours.
ReplyDeleteat the beginning when you say one out of every three people piss you off when they contact you well its because you dont answer texts or calls or anything so then they get pissed god youre annoying like that.
ReplyDeletefor #2 what is a kimbo-sliceing in the chest hahaha
and for the calling thing i normally call you with something to tell you but i do talk a lot you know that and i like to talk about myself and normally you dont listen so its like you are really taking time out of your day to deal with my problems like you say and i dont really tell you about other guys...okay i actually kind of do hahaha but you just ignore that i think. most of our conversations consist of me telling you about my life though...like the other night when i told you my dog ate 8 reeses and you called her god i think you know who this is now im not leaving my name hehehe cya tom