Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Shower References

There are two different times that a person can refer to the shower during a textual conversation. The first is innocent. It goes something like this:
"Hey I gotta get in the shower, so i'll text u after, bye!"There, the shower is used as the reason for leaving; it is a necessary statement that explains the future absence of the texter. As the Merovingian would say, "Cause, and effect." Simple, clear cut, no confusion is induced.
But but but but but of course, there can be the irrelevant, capricious shower mention that takes the conversation to another dimension. Here, an example:
"Hey whats up?""Nothing much, just got outta the shower"Now what the hell am I supposed to say to that? That is an A-Bomb, no wait, H-Bomb, in the progress of conversation. Think about that for a second. Remember that every 7 second thing I talked about? Yeah, so add to that equation you mentioning yourself in the shower. I'm not gonna get too graphic here, but you know what I'm saying. The shit is real suggestive. Any way that I respond to this could, in my mind, possibly, step on a f****** land mine. So obviously, I'm gonna be kinda tentative in my response, which will either a) negate your attempt at flirting or b) make me feel awkward because I think I'm negating your attempt at flirting.
Of course, that could be your meaning. If you want me to imagine you wet, naked, (I changed my mind, I'm getting graphic) then by all means, throw that shower shit in there. Maybe that's your purpose; do what you do, girl. Spit your game, talk that shit (c.f. Notorious Thugs, Notorious B.I.G., 1997). But otherwise, keep that to yourself.

Punk Rock, Hip-Hop, and Nike SB's

I woke up this morning at about 6 o'clock, went to the bathroom to brush the teeth and apply the ever so necessary astringent to the face. I woke up my sister, came back to my room, and made the most important decision of the day: what to wear. I picked the orange Timbaland shirt, and the South Pole khaki cargo shorts, in which I carried cargo, in order to not be a tool who wears cargo shorts without cargo, and looked at the bottom of the closet to the shoes. And my eyes laid upon the orange and blue Nike SB (SkateBoard) sneakers, which matched the shirt well. The decision was made; however, my mind was not at rest.
Years ago, the word "skateboarder" was synonymous with the term "psychopathic rebellious emo punk who will kill you and eat your f****** children." The weirdos wore tight jeans and had spiked mohawks and wallets connected to chains connected to their pants, and it was oh so disturbing. The skateboarder commanded no respect, acquired no acclaim, and had little fanfare out of the X-Games and local skate parks everywhere.
But something amazing happened. Suddenly, skating was cool. The Misfits, The Offspring, and NOFX grew from the pain of being dismissed as freaks and turned into great artists. The genre of skate punk began. Suddenly Henry Rollins was a bad ass motherfucker. Bracelets with studs became cool. Leather jackets with studs were all the rage. Combat boots, fishnet stockings, and gauges brought a new era of fashion into the picture. The transformation was ridiculous. Grown ass men were watching the X-Games in their living rooms. Girls would fall in line for the next Bob Burnquist. And to top them all off, a 13-year-old Carrot Top look-a-like became a sports icon.
But as we all know, something can only be popular for a short while before the most adaptive culture in history secures a choke hold on it. That culture: Hip-hop. The merge began immediately. Ice-T releases his screamo single "Cop Killer." The Kottonmouth Kingz form in California, combining the musical styling of Cypress Hill and Corporate Avenger. Now we see Lil Wayne, with tight red jeans and chain wallet in his possession. Lupe Fiasco leaves us in awe with his skateboarding metaphor in "Kick, Push." And of course, the Virginia native, Pharrell Williams, takes on the nickname of "The Imperial Skateboard P." I am willing to bet my life savings that the dude is as good as me on a board. And on a scale from one to ten, ten being the best, I'm a "oh my god, get this dude to the hospital, who let him on a skateboard." Which brings me to my point.
The skateboarding culture has entered into hip-hop. Young urban kids everywhere now scour the internet looking for rare and exotic pairs of Nike SB's, and they have no clue how to move on a skateboard. Sagging tight jeans are seen in malls in the hood every time you turn your head. Colorful checker printed socks? Oh, they're there. But it's not just the hood kids. Even suburban youth, some unaware of the origins of this fashion, adapt it into their lives. Every time I go to Short Pump and see that one white guy in tight jeans and a tight white T-Shirt with 5 black guys who are wearing the same thing, I shake my head. Dude, y'all had it first! Claim it! Don't follow the hip-hoppers blindly!
No disrespect to skateboarding shoes; but I have always felt that it's good to know the beginnings of something in order to understand its current position. So please, educate yourself. Know where these things come from. And if you have some new fashion, don't be afraid to show it off. Wear that style to school every day. Who knows? Maybe Kid Cudi will be rocking it in five years.P.S. Just Kidding, Scott Mescudi is way too cool to copy your little style.

Samuel Adams (and other white rappers)

White rappers. Do I like them? mehhhhhh maybe. It was yesterday when I was first introduced to this Samuel Adams fellow. I listened to the famous "I Hate College," Samuel's take on Asher's "I Love College." My initial thoughts were "Cool lax penny, bro," "Why are you using autotune?" "How did you possibly think of that title?" and "You clearly love college... dumbass." BUT since I get hated on for hating on things most people like, I decided to try and listen to what he was actually saying. After deciphering his auto-tuned ramblings I decided the dude could actually rap, but I also decided the guy has no future in the Hip-Hop world. Why? Well, to be fair, I'm going off straight first impressions as I have never heard any of his other shit, but I just couldn't help but feel that he had nothing to offer Hip-Hop. As long he is "poundin natty lights," in his songs, he will only be listened to by others who do so, specifically the ever increasing college broski population, who have frighteningly slowly crept into high schools everywhere. And I will say there is nothing wrong with that, Its just not for me, and Its not Hip- Hop. Everyone has a human heart, and a human brain. That's what real Hip-Hop is about. Its universal, though it has afro-centric roots and has risen out of a very specific experience, which can still be related to or a least understood by all. I think this is something Asher Roth knows, and I respect him for it. Sadly, his first single, and the way he chose to present himself to the world, was regrettably "I Love College." I think white rappers have as much to offer to Hip-Hop as anyone else, but my final opinion on our friend Samuel Adams (wow at that name btw) is that he does not have anything to offer Hip-Hop, and its too bad, because he actually has some talent. To close, I will quote Loren Phillips and say that he is a "bro cash-cow," and nothing else. :'(

Gears of War

I had a conversation with my fellow blog author today about a certain Xbox 360 game, one entitled, "Gears of War." Most gentlemen know Gears of War as an innovative and addicting first person shooter, and most of you ladies probably have no clue what the hell I'm talking about. Gears of War is a very highly rated game: IGN gave it a 9.4 out of 10. Gamespot gave it a 9.6 out of 10. GameRankings gave it a 93.77% out of 100%.
The first thing I would like to draw attention to is why GameRankings chooses such an arbitrary ass system for ranking games. Really? 100%? Couldn't just be like everybody else and go for the ten stars? Because I am sure that extra ".77%" is making that review more exact.
Anyway, I bring this to your attention because I do not like the game Gears of War. It does not please me. Why? It insists upon itself. Earlier I tried to explain my point of view, and could not. But now, let me explain.
I pick up the sticks, the game loads, I take two steps, and I'm fucking dead. Now, I play Halo, I've played C.o.D. And it just don't happen like that. I mean, I at least usually get to bust off a couple of caps before I get blasted. So I'm surprised. I play for a few more minutes, thinking that maybe I'll live past the first five steps, but it just doesn't happen.
I play FIFA. I play Madden. I play KOTOR. I play Dynasty Warriors. And in those titles, there is a very definitive relationship between the time put into the game, and the reward received from the game. But Gears is just too goddamned hard. I could spend weeks playing that game, and still be as competent at it as a 4 year old Nicaraguan panhandler. I don't have that kinda time man. I got stuff to do, blog posts to write, girls to get rejected by, I can't practice a video game for hours and hours just to be killed online by a dude who practiced for days and days, who then gets killed by a dude who practiced for weeks and weeks, who then gets killed by a 49 year old who lives in his mom's basement and eats grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's just not worth it. So my laziness (if one could call it that) turns me off from the game. There's my explanation. Don't hate me my fellow men; we can still play COD online. Wait, I don't have Live..............or C.o.D.......shit....

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: "lol, jk"

Every guy has been in this situation. You're texting (or facebook chatting, if you're a fan of ineffective methods of communication) a girl, presumably one who you would take out back and with whom you would "enjoy some good old-fashioned American fun." (c.f. Meg, Family Guy, "Barely Legal", 2006) Oh yeah, it's like that. A very attractive young lady, if that thinly-veiled sex image was too subtle for you. Suddenly, she says something to you which sets off one of the flags in your brain. For example, she might utter something along the lines of "yeah, ever since i started track i think my butt has gotten tighter." Now maybe she's in the small demographic of girls that won't realize she just set off the sex bomb in a man's brain. But in all likelihood, she thinks that the text above is an innocent statement, only having to do with her fitness, and not with that "little tight ass" (c.f. Kanye West, "New Workout Plan," 2004) But you, as a guy, want to let her know that you respect her chiseled gluteus maximus, but at the same time, are not a sex deprived pervert. So what do you do? You say, "i think it's plenty tight," and then you add the bitchiest phrase a man can ever type: "lol jk."
I understand the thinking. You want her to know you have urges, but at the same time, don't wanna come off as too forward. But I will tell you now, typing "lol jk" in any circumstance is the manliness equivalent of shaving your legs. Just don't do it. If you two are close enough, she'll take your sex joke as just that: a joke. And if she doesn't: fuck that bitch, get money. (Hasn't Lil Wayne taught you anything?)
"Lol, JK" is a very useful phrase: it lets you reveal carnal desires while covering all your bases by veiling them in a joke. I get it; I've done it. But sometimes, you gotta just let your balls hang out there, and say what you want, bruh. Yeah, sure, it may cost you some girl that may be in contention for the coveted ten rating, but the honesty will get you many more (albeit less attractive) girls in the end. And in the words of Juelz Santana, "Two nickels make a dime every time." (The Bad Side, Lil Wayne feat. Juelz Santana, The Carter 3 Mixtape) End of tale.
Moral of the story: Let yo balls hang, dog.

New Series

I will be starting a new series of blog posts, entitled The Techniques of Flirtation While Texting. It will document the many....techniques.....of flirting.....while texting....and they're effect on the relationship, as well as the human psyche. The first post will be....about now.

A beautiful exception

I felt the need to explain myself on this one... I recently became a fan of something on facebook. Why, you ask? Because by me joining there is an actual, tangible reward for joining. The page was created by the national in richmond to bring vampire weekend to their theatre. The idea is that by showing VW's managers that there is adequate support (via the fan page) they will get VW to come and play at the national. I want this very badly. Click the link in the title to join the page. I think the capacity of the national is around 2,000 people, and hopefully there will be more fans than that to forecast a sell out crowd. So join. Please.

The Great White Hope

In 1966, the world watched in awe as Texas Western coach Donald Haskins decided to make a social statement and start five black players in the NCAA Championship game, sending the basketball world on a downward spiral for years to come. Since then, the NCAA and NBA has seen white basketball players slowly crowded out of the basketball playing population. There was a point in time when the NBA was all-white. Today, only 20% of the basketball players in the NBA are good old American Caucasians.

This is a problem. Where is the space for good, fundamental white basketball players? Where is the court for them to shine? Pete Maravich is turning over in his grave at the fact that if he played today, he might not be known as the great player he’s known to be now. What is a white basketball player to do? There’s the All-American Basketball Alliance, which is an all-white basketball league that stresses fundamental play. But they don’t even have television coverage! It is a serious problem.

But lo and behold! White basketball players have hope after all! This year’s NCAA Championship Game featured 20 good white basketball players between Duke and Butler! Duke has always prided itself as a school on finding the best and the whitest (and perhaps ugliest) basketball players of all time. And now Butler has decided to walk in the same path. I’m happy for the Duke Basketball program, which has taught America the same lesson time and time again: White people CAN play basketball. Maybe this year’s championship game signals a return to a time when a white basketball player can get his own shoe deal. I’m hopeful for the future. You should be too. And maybe Pistol Pete can finally rest in peace.

Kyle Singler... ugly dude or humanoid alien?

I don't think I need to say much about this. He's an ugly dude. Somewhere between his Golem-esque hair, his cold, lifeless, bug eyes, and his unfortunately shaped head, I began to have my doubts. How does someone like this even make it onto TV? I mean, I understand he's good and all of that, but, seriously, you think at some point in his career a coach or even a CBS representative would have sat him down and just been like, "Kyle, you're a great player, but we can't have your alien lookin ass on this team." Anyways, before I start feelin bad for the dude, I raise the question, Is he human? Many viewers of the tournament feel that this is a valid question, and I agree. My own answer is that it is doubtful, and he is probably more closely related to that nasty ass bug guy in Men in Black (don't you see the resemblance?). But hey I'm sure he's a nice dude, and the bottom line is he has a big, hopefully not too reflective trophy to be happy with for a year which he will hopefully spend comfortably out of the public (my) eye. Ew.