Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Timing is Everything

This one, this is my personal favorite (other than the shower thing of course). This can either be the deal maker or the deal breaker in your textual relationship. It all depends on the personality of the one you're texting, and your ability to text efficiently.
1) The Delay. The delay is every guy's worst nightmare, and every girl's most overused tool. Every girl wants to play hard to get, and in today's world, the easiest way to do that is to feel that buzz, open that phone, read that text, and put that bitch right in the pocket. The power of not responding to a text message can be overwhelming. That extra minute that you waited to text me back was one more minute where I was sitting with my phone in my hands saying, "Why isn't this ho texting me back?" (Ho is for effect, here, don't be offended.) It leaves us wondering. Time wondering = time thinking about you, which is probably your overall goal. Of course, there is the exact opposite of this....
2) The Immediate Response. You may not be talking to the guy I mentioned above. You may be talking to the guy who doesn't give a damn how long you're taking to text him back; he's got shit to do, he ain't really thinking about yo' ass anyway. But nah, for real. The immediate response is sometimes just the right thing to do. It let's him know, "Hey, I'm interested in you enough to respond to what you just said, when you just said it." Which may be just what he needs.
I may be over analyzing the timing thing. Maybe girls just text when they can. But probably not. We're talking creatures who will analyze your voice mail with her friends for days before calling you back. We're talking creatures who will judge you on the way you asked them out just as much as the fact that you asked them out. Stranger things have been done. So when the girl you're tryna holla at sends you a ten word text in five minutes, think nothing of it: She's tryna get in your head.

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Shower References

There are two different times that a person can refer to the shower during a textual conversation. The first is innocent. It goes something like this:
"Hey I gotta get in the shower, so i'll text u after, bye!"There, the shower is used as the reason for leaving; it is a necessary statement that explains the future absence of the texter. As the Merovingian would say, "Cause, and effect." Simple, clear cut, no confusion is induced.
But but but but but of course, there can be the irrelevant, capricious shower mention that takes the conversation to another dimension. Here, an example:
"Hey whats up?""Nothing much, just got outta the shower"Now what the hell am I supposed to say to that? That is an A-Bomb, no wait, H-Bomb, in the progress of conversation. Think about that for a second. Remember that every 7 second thing I talked about? Yeah, so add to that equation you mentioning yourself in the shower. I'm not gonna get too graphic here, but you know what I'm saying. The shit is real suggestive. Any way that I respond to this could, in my mind, possibly, step on a f****** land mine. So obviously, I'm gonna be kinda tentative in my response, which will either a) negate your attempt at flirting or b) make me feel awkward because I think I'm negating your attempt at flirting.
Of course, that could be your meaning. If you want me to imagine you wet, naked, (I changed my mind, I'm getting graphic) then by all means, throw that shower shit in there. Maybe that's your purpose; do what you do, girl. Spit your game, talk that shit (c.f. Notorious Thugs, Notorious B.I.G., 1997). But otherwise, keep that to yourself.

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: "lol, jk"

Every guy has been in this situation. You're texting (or facebook chatting, if you're a fan of ineffective methods of communication) a girl, presumably one who you would take out back and with whom you would "enjoy some good old-fashioned American fun." (c.f. Meg, Family Guy, "Barely Legal", 2006) Oh yeah, it's like that. A very attractive young lady, if that thinly-veiled sex image was too subtle for you. Suddenly, she says something to you which sets off one of the flags in your brain. For example, she might utter something along the lines of "yeah, ever since i started track i think my butt has gotten tighter." Now maybe she's in the small demographic of girls that won't realize she just set off the sex bomb in a man's brain. But in all likelihood, she thinks that the text above is an innocent statement, only having to do with her fitness, and not with that "little tight ass" (c.f. Kanye West, "New Workout Plan," 2004) But you, as a guy, want to let her know that you respect her chiseled gluteus maximus, but at the same time, are not a sex deprived pervert. So what do you do? You say, "i think it's plenty tight," and then you add the bitchiest phrase a man can ever type: "lol jk."
I understand the thinking. You want her to know you have urges, but at the same time, don't wanna come off as too forward. But I will tell you now, typing "lol jk" in any circumstance is the manliness equivalent of shaving your legs. Just don't do it. If you two are close enough, she'll take your sex joke as just that: a joke. And if she doesn't: fuck that bitch, get money. (Hasn't Lil Wayne taught you anything?)
"Lol, JK" is a very useful phrase: it lets you reveal carnal desires while covering all your bases by veiling them in a joke. I get it; I've done it. But sometimes, you gotta just let your balls hang out there, and say what you want, bruh. Yeah, sure, it may cost you some girl that may be in contention for the coveted ten rating, but the honesty will get you many more (albeit less attractive) girls in the end. And in the words of Juelz Santana, "Two nickels make a dime every time." (The Bad Side, Lil Wayne feat. Juelz Santana, The Carter 3 Mixtape) End of tale.
Moral of the story: Let yo balls hang, dog.

New Series

I will be starting a new series of blog posts, entitled The Techniques of Flirtation While Texting. It will document the many....techniques.....of flirting.....while texting....and they're effect on the relationship, as well as the human psyche. The first post will be....about now.

The Art of Communication

A while back, I had a reputation of not amwering phone calls. As a matter of fact, I was bad at returning calls, texts, voicemails, the whole bit (as Mr. Cambisios would say) and my friends berated me for it. Why was I so hard to get into contact with? Because one out of every three people I would talk to pissed me off in some way. Communicating with people became my number one source of anger, and I'm not even an angry guy. Now, my phone is only semi-operable, and I hope to be getting a new phone in the next couple of weeks. When I purchase this phone, I want to be able to gain my communication credibility back by answering your calls and texts. But in order for me to do this, all of you must understand 10 simple rules of how not to piss me off, which I have entitled, THE ART OF COMMUNICATION. Enjoy.

Texting
1) Don't text me just saying "hey," "hi," or any variation of this. Not even "hola." I swear to the heavens I will kill you. If you have something to say, say the shit, and let's get on with the convo. If you're flirting with me or something, I'm worth at least a "what's up." If you just wanna talk, the same applies. If you have something to tell me, say, "I have something to tell you." But if you text me "hey," unless you're an extremely attractive girl or one of my best friends, you will get ignored, and possibly lose some respect points in my book.
2) If I say "what's up?" and you hit me with a "nm u," the next time I see you, I'm Kimbo Slice-ing you in the chest. "NM u?" For real? WTF is that? I'm not worth words? I get hit with letters? If I'm taking the time to text you and ask what's up, I probably actually want to know what is going on in your life, and I'm probably not just being superficial. Get your shit together.
3) This is for girls. If you set me up with a "That's what she said" via text message, and expect me not to call you on it, you're dumb. As a matter of fact, if you say anything that could even be misconstrued as sexual, and you expect me not to point it out, you are foolish. I'm a guy; I think about sex every 7 seconds (on average). So if you don't want that to seep into the conversation, end the conversation. I don't need you that badly. I know of plenty of attractive young ladies that are willing to fulfill this certain need. Yes, they are all on the internet, and yes, they're all hotter than you.
4) Guys. Don't hit me with a smiley face. Ever. If you're not gay and flirting with me, or being extremely sarcastic, it has no place in our conversation.
5) Girls. If you hit me with a smiley face, I'm going to assume you want my penis. It's that simple. Ask any guy. You hit us with a smiley, and we get mad hype. Learn this. Understand this.

Calling
1) If you call me, have a subject of conversation. If I wanted to talk to you aimlessly without end, I would text you. Unless you know without a doubt that we are good friends who can just "talk" on the phone for hours, you'd better have some shit to talk about.
2) Girls. If you call me to talk about another guy, I will hang up on you. That type of stuff can either be texted, instant messaged, or dealt with by yourself. When you call me, I am taking time out of my day to put down the controller or the keyboard and only TALK TO YOU. If your response to this is telling me about some other dude you want, get that outta here. (Again, this depends on the friendship factor.)
3) When I don't answer my phone, I either am busy, or don't wanna talk to you. You calling me 80 freaking times in a row won't change either of those facts. Leave a voicemail; that's what they're there for.
4) Texting while you talk on the phone is one of the most obnoxious things possible. I can hear you beating the crap outta the keyboard. It's annoying. If you need to text that badly, say "hang on," or call me back or something. But when I'm in mid-sentence and hear that, I get pissed.
5) When I say "I gotta go," I GOTTA GO. Don't say "One more thing," and then come at me with 80 different things. That's just setting yourself up to get hung up on. I will call you back. I promise. Right now. You have my word. You can quote me.