Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Timing is Everything

This one, this is my personal favorite (other than the shower thing of course). This can either be the deal maker or the deal breaker in your textual relationship. It all depends on the personality of the one you're texting, and your ability to text efficiently.
1) The Delay. The delay is every guy's worst nightmare, and every girl's most overused tool. Every girl wants to play hard to get, and in today's world, the easiest way to do that is to feel that buzz, open that phone, read that text, and put that bitch right in the pocket. The power of not responding to a text message can be overwhelming. That extra minute that you waited to text me back was one more minute where I was sitting with my phone in my hands saying, "Why isn't this ho texting me back?" (Ho is for effect, here, don't be offended.) It leaves us wondering. Time wondering = time thinking about you, which is probably your overall goal. Of course, there is the exact opposite of this....
2) The Immediate Response. You may not be talking to the guy I mentioned above. You may be talking to the guy who doesn't give a damn how long you're taking to text him back; he's got shit to do, he ain't really thinking about yo' ass anyway. But nah, for real. The immediate response is sometimes just the right thing to do. It let's him know, "Hey, I'm interested in you enough to respond to what you just said, when you just said it." Which may be just what he needs.
I may be over analyzing the timing thing. Maybe girls just text when they can. But probably not. We're talking creatures who will analyze your voice mail with her friends for days before calling you back. We're talking creatures who will judge you on the way you asked them out just as much as the fact that you asked them out. Stranger things have been done. So when the girl you're tryna holla at sends you a ten word text in five minutes, think nothing of it: She's tryna get in your head.

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: "lol, jk"

Every guy has been in this situation. You're texting (or facebook chatting, if you're a fan of ineffective methods of communication) a girl, presumably one who you would take out back and with whom you would "enjoy some good old-fashioned American fun." (c.f. Meg, Family Guy, "Barely Legal", 2006) Oh yeah, it's like that. A very attractive young lady, if that thinly-veiled sex image was too subtle for you. Suddenly, she says something to you which sets off one of the flags in your brain. For example, she might utter something along the lines of "yeah, ever since i started track i think my butt has gotten tighter." Now maybe she's in the small demographic of girls that won't realize she just set off the sex bomb in a man's brain. But in all likelihood, she thinks that the text above is an innocent statement, only having to do with her fitness, and not with that "little tight ass" (c.f. Kanye West, "New Workout Plan," 2004) But you, as a guy, want to let her know that you respect her chiseled gluteus maximus, but at the same time, are not a sex deprived pervert. So what do you do? You say, "i think it's plenty tight," and then you add the bitchiest phrase a man can ever type: "lol jk."
I understand the thinking. You want her to know you have urges, but at the same time, don't wanna come off as too forward. But I will tell you now, typing "lol jk" in any circumstance is the manliness equivalent of shaving your legs. Just don't do it. If you two are close enough, she'll take your sex joke as just that: a joke. And if she doesn't: fuck that bitch, get money. (Hasn't Lil Wayne taught you anything?)
"Lol, JK" is a very useful phrase: it lets you reveal carnal desires while covering all your bases by veiling them in a joke. I get it; I've done it. But sometimes, you gotta just let your balls hang out there, and say what you want, bruh. Yeah, sure, it may cost you some girl that may be in contention for the coveted ten rating, but the honesty will get you many more (albeit less attractive) girls in the end. And in the words of Juelz Santana, "Two nickels make a dime every time." (The Bad Side, Lil Wayne feat. Juelz Santana, The Carter 3 Mixtape) End of tale.
Moral of the story: Let yo balls hang, dog.

New Series

I will be starting a new series of blog posts, entitled The Techniques of Flirtation While Texting. It will document the many....techniques.....of flirting.....while texting....and they're effect on the relationship, as well as the human psyche. The first post will be....about now.

Omegle/ChatRoulette

Ok so, Daniel decided to talk about facebook, which made me want to talk about facebook. But the man did his thing, so I went to a different direction. We're gonna start this off with a story.
About a year and a half ago, a friend introduced me to a site named Omegle. I go to the site, and I click "chat," and I am confronted by a chat window that says, "You are now chatting with a random stranger, say Hi!" Now what in God's holy name is this? A website where you talk to a stranger for the purposes of talking to a stranger? A girl introduced me to this. A girl. Not only do people visit this site to chat, but they also "make friends." What? Again, this report is from girls. Now, I'm no expert on creepers, but I'm fairly certain you meet a random stranger on a sketchy website and give him your name, he's gonna be choking the chicken to your British Virgin Island pics on facebook the next day. That's just an assumption.
Anyway, I opened up to Omegle as more people realized how creepy it was, and just went there to dick around with other people who were there to dick around. Great time. This whole talking to strangers thing isn't so bad. Enter Chat Roulette.
Now when I heard about Chat Roulette the first couple of times, it was my friend in DC seeing Chuck Brown, and this girl I know seeing a glorified douche from Jersey Shore. So I'm thinking, "This must be a website that celebrities get on to video chat with fans! Cool!" Oh no, I was wrong again. I visit this place, and it's Omegle with a webcam. That's not cool, that's weird. Now instead of the creepy dude masturbating to your pictures, he can see your face! Stupidity. What the hell are you doing? If the dude you see is not a celebrity, hit new game and keep it moving. If you're that sex deprived and a hot dude is what you want, holla at Conover on facebook chat and he'll be sure to oblige you (or hell, me for that matter, I'm here for ya, baby). But be sensible.
Look, I know a good number of y'all use these sites, so I'm not here to dump on you. That job is for Cons. Ladies, if you're having a little sleepover, and you think it's funny to catch a guy shirtless laying down on Chat Roulette, be my guest. Have a laugh. But if you are by yourself at home, bored, there are better things to do then hop on Chat Roulette for the hundreds of guys waiting for you to see them naked. Read a book. Learn to play an instrument. Do some damn homework. Go chat a guy on facebook that you wouldn't normally talk to. But by God don't spend your time on that madness. And if you do, if you're just that bored and can't help it, please don't tell me about it unless it's something cool. I don't wanna hear about how many guys you caught jacking off on Chat Roulette last night.
Disclaimer: This is not meant to harm the business of Chat Roulette or Omegle. Nor is this meant to offend the small population of people who don't see creepy stuff on these sites. Nevertheless, if you're a normal, everyday person who enjoys talking to strangers, consider if you would do it in person; then decide whether to execute your action.
Deuces.