Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Timing is Everything

This one, this is my personal favorite (other than the shower thing of course). This can either be the deal maker or the deal breaker in your textual relationship. It all depends on the personality of the one you're texting, and your ability to text efficiently.
1) The Delay. The delay is every guy's worst nightmare, and every girl's most overused tool. Every girl wants to play hard to get, and in today's world, the easiest way to do that is to feel that buzz, open that phone, read that text, and put that bitch right in the pocket. The power of not responding to a text message can be overwhelming. That extra minute that you waited to text me back was one more minute where I was sitting with my phone in my hands saying, "Why isn't this ho texting me back?" (Ho is for effect, here, don't be offended.) It leaves us wondering. Time wondering = time thinking about you, which is probably your overall goal. Of course, there is the exact opposite of this....
2) The Immediate Response. You may not be talking to the guy I mentioned above. You may be talking to the guy who doesn't give a damn how long you're taking to text him back; he's got shit to do, he ain't really thinking about yo' ass anyway. But nah, for real. The immediate response is sometimes just the right thing to do. It let's him know, "Hey, I'm interested in you enough to respond to what you just said, when you just said it." Which may be just what he needs.
I may be over analyzing the timing thing. Maybe girls just text when they can. But probably not. We're talking creatures who will analyze your voice mail with her friends for days before calling you back. We're talking creatures who will judge you on the way you asked them out just as much as the fact that you asked them out. Stranger things have been done. So when the girl you're tryna holla at sends you a ten word text in five minutes, think nothing of it: She's tryna get in your head.

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: Shower References

There are two different times that a person can refer to the shower during a textual conversation. The first is innocent. It goes something like this:
"Hey I gotta get in the shower, so i'll text u after, bye!"There, the shower is used as the reason for leaving; it is a necessary statement that explains the future absence of the texter. As the Merovingian would say, "Cause, and effect." Simple, clear cut, no confusion is induced.
But but but but but of course, there can be the irrelevant, capricious shower mention that takes the conversation to another dimension. Here, an example:
"Hey whats up?""Nothing much, just got outta the shower"Now what the hell am I supposed to say to that? That is an A-Bomb, no wait, H-Bomb, in the progress of conversation. Think about that for a second. Remember that every 7 second thing I talked about? Yeah, so add to that equation you mentioning yourself in the shower. I'm not gonna get too graphic here, but you know what I'm saying. The shit is real suggestive. Any way that I respond to this could, in my mind, possibly, step on a f****** land mine. So obviously, I'm gonna be kinda tentative in my response, which will either a) negate your attempt at flirting or b) make me feel awkward because I think I'm negating your attempt at flirting.
Of course, that could be your meaning. If you want me to imagine you wet, naked, (I changed my mind, I'm getting graphic) then by all means, throw that shower shit in there. Maybe that's your purpose; do what you do, girl. Spit your game, talk that shit (c.f. Notorious Thugs, Notorious B.I.G., 1997). But otherwise, keep that to yourself.

Techniques in Flirtation While Texting: "lol, jk"

Every guy has been in this situation. You're texting (or facebook chatting, if you're a fan of ineffective methods of communication) a girl, presumably one who you would take out back and with whom you would "enjoy some good old-fashioned American fun." (c.f. Meg, Family Guy, "Barely Legal", 2006) Oh yeah, it's like that. A very attractive young lady, if that thinly-veiled sex image was too subtle for you. Suddenly, she says something to you which sets off one of the flags in your brain. For example, she might utter something along the lines of "yeah, ever since i started track i think my butt has gotten tighter." Now maybe she's in the small demographic of girls that won't realize she just set off the sex bomb in a man's brain. But in all likelihood, she thinks that the text above is an innocent statement, only having to do with her fitness, and not with that "little tight ass" (c.f. Kanye West, "New Workout Plan," 2004) But you, as a guy, want to let her know that you respect her chiseled gluteus maximus, but at the same time, are not a sex deprived pervert. So what do you do? You say, "i think it's plenty tight," and then you add the bitchiest phrase a man can ever type: "lol jk."
I understand the thinking. You want her to know you have urges, but at the same time, don't wanna come off as too forward. But I will tell you now, typing "lol jk" in any circumstance is the manliness equivalent of shaving your legs. Just don't do it. If you two are close enough, she'll take your sex joke as just that: a joke. And if she doesn't: fuck that bitch, get money. (Hasn't Lil Wayne taught you anything?)
"Lol, JK" is a very useful phrase: it lets you reveal carnal desires while covering all your bases by veiling them in a joke. I get it; I've done it. But sometimes, you gotta just let your balls hang out there, and say what you want, bruh. Yeah, sure, it may cost you some girl that may be in contention for the coveted ten rating, but the honesty will get you many more (albeit less attractive) girls in the end. And in the words of Juelz Santana, "Two nickels make a dime every time." (The Bad Side, Lil Wayne feat. Juelz Santana, The Carter 3 Mixtape) End of tale.
Moral of the story: Let yo balls hang, dog.

New Series

I will be starting a new series of blog posts, entitled The Techniques of Flirtation While Texting. It will document the many....techniques.....of flirting.....while texting....and they're effect on the relationship, as well as the human psyche. The first post will be....about now.